With everything going on in the world today…
…we can’t expect to be on the same page all the time with those around us. It is natural for people to disagree and struggle to validate someone’s opinion who differs from theirs. Disagreements centered on what to eat for dinner are fairly routine and rarely cause major issues, unless someone is especially hangry.
However, there are heavy issues being talked about in today’s world that have been particularly divisive among people. To have a friend, or family member, or stranger, or acquaintance disagree with you on wearing a mask, or who to vote for, or the social movements taking place is one thing. Many times we can block them, ignore them, maybe engage with them a little bit, but there’s usually space we can take from them (unless the family member lives with you! If that’s the case, this applies to those relationships as well).
Being in a romantic relationship and living with someone throughout all of this can be exceptionally challenging if you and the other person don’t see eye-to-eye on major issues. This tends to cut deeper than the dinner conversation because it hits core values and morals; judgments often get made about what it means if your partner (or family member) doesn’t agree with something.
For instance, it’s easy for people to assume those without masks on don’t value the lives of those around them. This is a baseless accusation and hurtful assumption to make about anyone, especially people you don’t know. These judgments and assumptions also tend to enrage and infuriate us more, causing our own distress. When a behavior is done by your partner, try not to assume you know the ‘why’; why they behave this way or that way, why they voice this opinion or that opinion. Start to cultivate conversations that come from a curious mindset, one that leaves room for the other person’s truth. Judging your partner, shaming them, criticizing them, or scolding them does not create a safe space to talk and be seen.
Not only is there currently a worldwide pandemic, there are also major social movements regarding the rights of black citizens, trans citizens and the LGBTQ+ populations, women, and people of color or varying faiths. In addition, it’s an election year and there were some polarizing options on the ballot in November. While the easiest answer would be to just not talk about those things if you and your partner disagree, this solution actually starts to put limitations on the relationship and puts a ceiling over the depth of intimacy that can be experienced. Emotional intimacy is cultivated when we open up to another, when we share our innermost thoughts and feelings, our perspectives and why we hold the beliefs we do. However, if we feel judged when doing this, or we feel the other person mocks us, berates us, shuts us down, or tells us we’re wrong, we will be less likely to open up in the future and lose feelings of trust and safety within the relationship. It’s important to show support for your partner’s ability and willingness to communicate these things, even if you don’t agree with the content they’re communicating.
Agreement ⇎ Support
What we don’t want to do is confuse agreement and support.
Quite often I have clients note that they don’t feel supported when their partner doesn’t agree with them. This is usually an indication of “right fighting” which can be damaging to any relationship because it creates an imbalance, a “winner” and a “loser.” In healthy relationships, neither side HAS TO concede or give up deeply held beliefs or values.
Support is best given in the form of validation, respect, and non-judgmental space to voice opinions and feelings. To validate someone is to simply acknowledge their truth, let them know that they are seen and understood, and at no point does it require you to say ‘I agree with you.’
SIDE NOTE ON VALIDATION:
According to Dr. Marsha Linehan and her Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, there are 6 Levels of Validation1
Level 1: Pay Attention – look interested. Don’t play on your phone, don’t roll your eyes. Turn your body towards them, and provide cues to let them know you’re listening.
“Okay.” “Tell me more about that.” “I can see your point.”
Level 2: Reflect Back – say back what you heard the other person say or do, to be sure you understand exactly what the other person is saying. No judgmental tone or language! *This also helps to clarify misunderstandings.
“So you’re saying that you read a report on why masks aren’t effective
and you agreed with it? Do you mind showing it to me?”
Level 3: “Read Minds” – be sensitive to what is not being said by the other person. Pay attention to facial expressions, body language, what is happening, and what you know about the person already. Show you understand in words or by your actions. Check it, though, to make sure you’re right and let it go if you’re not.
“I hear you say you’re angry about what that candidate was saying, but
your face and body language read more as fear and sadness. Do I have
that right?”
Level 4: Understand – look for how what the other person is feeling, thinking, or doing makes sense, based on the person’s past experiences, present situation, and/or current state of mind or physical conditions (i.e. the causes).
“I can understand why you hold those beliefs given your experience
with (such and such) and your upbringing.”
Level 5: Acknowledge the Valid – look for how the other person’s feelings, thinking, or actions are valid responses because they fit current facts, or are understandable because they are a logical response to current facts.
“I understand why maybe you’re voting based on fear right now, can we
talk about it?”
Level 6: Show Equality – just be yourself. Do not “one-up” or “one-down” the other person. Treat them as an equal, not as fragile or incompetent.
“I’ve believed inaccurate information, too, before and it helped me to do
some research. I can share things with you if you’re interested.”
*BONUS* LEVEL 7: Functional Validation – validate with actions to show you see them.
If someone is crying, you hand them a tissue even if they hadn’t asked.
So what is intimacy?
To understand someone, how they think, how they feel, why they behave the ways they do, is to love someone. We do not need to agree with everything someone thinks or does, we just want to show that we see them and can give them the space to be themselves.
Oftentimes what creates conflict is when one partner deems their set of beliefs to be “better,” “right,” “kinder,” “more moral” than the other’s. We want to stay away from judgmental labels and subjective terminology to describe someone and their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. This only leads to having to defend one’s side, which usually entrenches someone deeper and makes them dig their heels in more.
When we can create a safe space to reevaluate, explore, or question our own perspectives, we may find that our opinions have changed over the years without even realizing it. Experiences change us; we evolve and grow throughout our lives, so there may come a time when you vote differently than you have before. Having a partnership where you can openly discuss and process these things is pivotal to our growth.
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned couple’s psychologist, notes that healthy couples allow the other to influence them. Many times we see “abandoning our values and beliefs” as weak, but it’s actually a sign of strength of the relationship if it comes from a healthy place and isn’t just done to be accepted or to please the other (that just creates resentment). It’s okay to be influenced by your partner in an open and nonjudgmental conversation, especially if you learn new facts or find that you agree more with one perspective over the other. If you change your mind, though, because you feel rejected or shamed, this could lead to bigger problems down the road.
We still disagree… do I stay or do I leave?
Okay, so even after all these super effective conversations you find that you still don’t know what to do with the divided house, now what?
This comes down to exploring the impact belief systems have on you and your day-to-day lives, on your relationship. Pay attention to how someone’s opinions influence their behaviors. For instance, if you’re with someone who doesn’t agree that racism exists, does this also translate into them dismissing experiences you’ve had in life? If you’re with someone who doesn’t want to wear a mask and you do, are they at least willing to meet you in the middle or consider your fears and make compromises, such as social distancing and routine handwashing? Vice versa, are you willing to meet your partner in the middle and not belittle or nag or shame them into doing what you would want them to do?
We don’t want to make assumptions about the quality of a person just based on their perspectives and there are no “good” or “bad” people, those are just judgmental and subjective categories. We may be able to agree to disagree and move on with greater understanding of each other, so long as there aren’t behaviors coming from either side that are invalidating, hurtful, dismissive, rejecting, or shaming. If you or your partner struggle, though, to behave in ways which make the other feel safe, seen, supported, validated, and respected, it may be time to go your separate ways. You may also want to consider the influence you or your partner have on your children and how they may be internalizing (understanding, receiving, and interpreting) the behaviors they see. It’s never easy to decide when to leave a relationship, which is why it’s helpful to put the work in first, to get to know someone and understand someone. Even from an empathetic place, we can decide to walk away if the difference of values is just too great or if the behaviors exhibited are detrimental to you, your partner, or your children.
1 Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual. New York, NY: Guilford.
